Has your relationship with your PhD lost its spark?

“This is harder than I thought.”

“I feel lonely.” 

“I’m getting bored of this routine.”  

“I don’t even know if this is the right thing for me any more.”

These could be the words of someone in a troubled relationship. But they’re actually some of the things my PhD clients, most of them in their final year, have said to me.

Frequently, I see PhD students losing their passion for their research. Maybe that’s natural in any long relationship. People expect different results while repeating the same actions over and over. They expect others to change and situations to develop, but never dare to do anything differently themselves. 

Your PhD is an essential part of your life, but it is not your whole life. And one strategy for changing your relationship with your PhD is to change your relationship with yourself. 

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Have you ever noticed that you get along better with your partner and friends when you feel better about yourself? Self-care is underestimated in the academic world, but the key to having that self-love and harmony in your life, and to improving all your relationships, comes from finding balance. Between pushing yourself too hard and burning out, or wasting too much time procrastinating, managing to have a life outside your PhD while still working hard is all about balance. Without balance, we can find ourselves in a toxic relationship, miserable but unable to leave.

I remember at the start of my own PhD, a student who was finishing his dissertation told me: “I can tell that you are just starting because your eyes are still shining.”

I laughed, but I later understood what he meant. During my final year as a PhD student, I was just tired of being tired all the time. The truth is, we can’t separate our social lives from our research lives – we can only learn to balance everything better.

What helped me to deal with the challenges of my PhD journey also helped me to make changes in my marriage, too. Now I call it the S.M.A.R.T.P.h.D™ system (Self-care, Mindset, Attainable goals, Reflection, Time management, Planning and priorities, Habits and routines, and Drive), but it didn’t have a name back then. However, I’m certain now: for any sustainable change, a holistic approach works best.

In both my marriage and my PhD, the turning point for me was when I began prioritising self-care. I shifted to a more positive mindset, becoming more realistic about my expectations, reflected on the things that did work and explored what could be done differently. I improved my time-management skills to create more space for balancing tasks and quality time with my loved ones. I also got better at prioritising, planning and creating habits and routines that would support my deepest desire to succeed. I kept myself motivated throughout this long process because, to me, finishing my PhD truly mattered. 

So, how can you apply the S.M.A.R.T.P.h.D™ system?

S: Self-care

Are you sacrificing your well-being to keep your PhD going?

Any healthy commitment requires a level of self-abandonment, but a sustainable relationship needs energy instead of exhaustion. Burnout can often manifest as loss of passion. Make sure you sleep well, and schedule non-negotiable time for yourself.

M: Mindset

Are your beliefs making it harder to switch off? If you believe deep down that you’re not academically good enough or struggles make you feel that you’re failing, you need to address this with curiosity. Challenge yourself when negative thoughts emerge. Are there more positive outlooks you could take? Write down three positive things about completing your PhD, and focus on them when you feel overwhelmed.

A: Attainable goals

Are your expectations about your PhD realistic? Try to reconnect with small, meaningful steps rather than ideal situations or perfection. What small contributions will make your PhD more meaningful?

R: Reflection

What’s working and what isn’t? What feels heavy or misaligned? What can you do to feel different? Focus on one thing at a time.

T: Time (and energy) management

Are you allowing time and space for both your work and other important parts of your life?

Not every hour of the day was created equal. When do you have more energy? Block out your calendar to protect time for the important tasks.

P: Planning and priorities

Are you prioritising in alignment with what’s important? Or are you just surviving, hoping things will be different one day? Take control and choose one priority to work on today. 

H: Habits and routine

What daily or weekly habits are weakening the relationship? Reflect on small routines that can feel doable while getting back on track with your PhD, such as scheduling in 30 minutes of writing.

D: Drive

Why did you choose to do a PhD in the first place? If you’ve changed as a person since starting, perhaps you need to re-align with your lifestyle and core values. A sense of purpose can help you reconnect with your work.

Any long-term relationship has its ups and down. But reconnecting internally with purpose will reignite commitment when the spark fades away.

If you want your PhD to feel different, you need to start doing something different. Start with one of the ideas above and look forward to enjoying a more fulfilled academic life.

Lucia Juarez is an academic coach.

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